Slug Or Monkey?

[Sovran Nila]

Would you rather be a Saiyan, or a Namekian? Why one over the other?

 

[Warmmedown]

Saiyan lol. Because it looks normal, cool hair.

Namekian I have no idea what would happen, but it would definitely suck for a while. The government might try to arrest you. People would think you're a crazy guy and call the police, but you're not crazy. THen they'd be like "take the suit off Larry" "it's not a leisure suit" "you're not going anywhere until you take the suit off Larry" then smash the wall and escape. Then the Army come after you, so you're on the run. Luckily, you don't need food, but you'd like to eat some, because you enjoy it and it makes you feel human again. But you have no money, because nobody will hire a green guy and you don't look like your ID any more. You have a clothes beam so you finally have the drip you always wanted, but you have nobody to share it with. You go into a newsagents at night, hoping nobody will notice you in your hoody, but the self-checkout doesn't recognise the weight of your items. They casually ask you what's in the bag and shout "cucumber!" and you say no I got soup and they say "no, great fancy dress, I thought it was a cucumber but I guess not". You run home and heat your soup up, but it takes a long time because your tears keep falling into it and cooling it down. You love minestrone soup, it's what your mom made, but you can't ask her to make it right now because you look like a cucumber. Plus green is her least favourite colour. Someone knocks at the door, just as you're about to eat the soup and your tears are starting to dry. You ignore it and start eating your soup, but the knocks get louder. You're scared, but you just keep ignoring it. You're super strong and can heal fast, but you're still scared, because you still think like a human. You've only been stuck like this for a few weeks. You grip the spoon harder, because your arm is shaking, you put it in your mouth and bite down. The spoon bends at the handle as you try to control your racing heart and the jitters throughout your body. You try to breathe slowly to calm down. Your vision becomes clearer, you're still uncomfortable, but some of the fear is subsiding. In its place comes silence and a killer intent. You're enjoying your soup and if anyone comes in, you'll kill them. You look across the room to the kitchen counter, where you see a rolling pin. "No", you think. Next to it is a knife. You make a mental note of it. You don't need to glance over at it, but you know there's a spare chair to your right. You tilt the right-side of the table a little away from you, opening up some space between you and the chair, in case you'll need to grab it. Then you realise the banging has stopped. "Ok, maybe they're gone. I'll breathe, count to ten and then have my sou-" You hear a loud bang on the door, the loudest sound you've heard in years. And another one. A small photo on the wall near the wall drops to the ground. "What the fuck?!", you think. You get up, reaching towards the top of the spare chair. Just at that moment, the door smashes open. "Police! Hands up!" But it's too late, you've already launched the chair towards them. And what's more, much harder than any human's ever thrown a chair. The first officer never got a chance to pull his trigger, but even if he had, the chair would have reached him long before the bullet even left the gun. His gun drops to the ground, his lifeless arms still clutching onto it. His legs have no rigity, yet they're seemingly still holding his body up. "Bleh!" the second officer splurts out. He's holding up his dead colleague's body - no, the chair has gone through the body and is now pinned into the second officer's chest. He falls to the floor, both bodies - one breathing and one not - in a heap on the floor. "Shit", you think - you had been shocked by it being the police and some local hoodlums, but now you're more shocked by how hard you accidentally threw the chair, and the fact that you just killed for the first time. You only had a second to see the lifeless eyes of your victim, but it felt like an eternity - more than long enough for you to realise you're not cut out to be a ruthless killer. *Bang bang bang bang bang* the remaining three officers start firing shots from their assault rifles, cutting short your time to process the gravity of the situation. These are well-trained firearms officers - every shot penetrated your body. You feel a pain deep within your body, in places you never imagined had nerve endings. Two of the officers keep firing, while the other reloads. Even in your dissociative haze, you can see this. You open your mouth to shout, but more bullets hit you, knocking the wind out of you as you stagger back one step. The bullets aren't strong enough to go through your bones, but the force is enough to knock you around - and to start to make a mess of your guts. There's no chance to talk - these people are going to kill you, unless you can escape or kill them first. "The window", you think. "I can go through there without killing them". You run towards the window, bullets still flying past and through your body, purple blood soaking your trousers. But when you're barely halfway to the window, something you never imagined possible happens - an officer jumps through the window, gun in hand, firing bullets towards your head almost immediately. You move your arms up to block and brace yourself for another barrage of bullets. But only two come, before you hear a thud on the ground. You look through your arms and see his lifeless body on the floor, a single bullet hole in his head - one of the bullets has richocheted off your elbow and bounced back towards him. You feel burning despair, and you feel even hotter, scorching rage. Rage at the hopelessness of your situation, rage at the death of your plans to live a moral life. "Ahhhhh!" you shout. "Fuck you!" The entire room rumbles and shakes. You smash through the wall next to the window - you make your own windows from now on. This world doesn't make sense any more, so you're creating your own rules. Outside are two more squadrons of police officers, who have just arrived. They immediately point their guns towards you, but you jump towards the left squadron. In one fell swoop, you chop through all of their bodies, killing them - and with it their fears, thoughts and dreams - all within one second. You pick up two of the officers and launch them towards the other squadron, who have taken an uncharacteristically long time to begin shooting - they're in shock and terror at what they've just seen. One of them, the captain, opens the car door to climb inside, planning to save his crew - but it's futile. The first body smashes through an officer. The second body slams into the ground next to the officers, causing the road itself to break into pieces, underground gas and water pipes firing high-pressure jets of their respective substances towards the officers, impaling them, while sending their bodies and the police car flying into the air. In the chaos, one of the guns is triggered, firing a single bullet towards your head. Then you die, the gas explodes and the entire Earth explodes, killing everyone you've ever known or could've known, except a small band of survivors who open a museum about the genocider of humankind - some green cucumber-looking freak from Namek.

Whereas if you were a saiyan you'd just get yoked, become Prime Minister and save lots of money on hair gel.

 

[ScottyFamalam]

Namekian I have no idea what would happen, but it would definitely suck for a while. The government might try to arrest you. People would think you're a crazy guy and call the police, but you're not crazy. THen they'd be like "take the suit off Larry" "it's not a leisure suit" "you're not going anywhere until you take the suit off Larry" then smash the wall and escape. Then the Army come after you, so you're on the run. Luckily, you don't need food, but you'd like to eat some, because you enjoy it and it makes you feel human again. But you have no money, because nobody will hire a green guy and you don't look like your ID any more. You have a clothes beam so you finally have the drip you always wanted, but you have nobody to share it with. You go into a newsagents at night, hoping nobody will notice you in your hoody, but the self-checkout doesn't recognise the weight of your items. They casually ask you what's in the bag and shout "cucumber!" and you say no I got soup and they say "no, great fancy dress, I thought it was a cucumber but I guess not". You run home and heat your soup up, but it takes a long time because your tears keep falling into it and cooling it down. You love minestrone soup, it's what your mom made, but you can't ask her to make it right now because you look like a cucumber. Plus green is her least favourite colour. Someone knocks at the door, just as you're about to eat the soup and your tears are starting to dry. You ignore it and start eating your soup, but the knocks get louder. You're scared, but you just keep ignoring it. You're super strong and can heal fast, but you're still scared, because you still think like a human. You've only been stuck like this for a few weeks. You grip the spoon harder, because your arm is shaking, you put it in your mouth and bite down. The spoon bends at the handle as you try to control your racing heart and the jitters throughout your body. You try to breathe slowly to calm down. Your vision becomes clearer, you're still uncomfortable, but some of the fear is subsiding. In its place comes silence and a killer intent. You're enjoying your soup and if anyone comes in, you'll kill them. You look across the room to the kitchen counter, where you see a rolling pin. "No", you think. Next to it is a knife. You make a mental note of it. You don't need to glance over at it, but you know there's a spare chair to your right. You tilt the right-side of the table a little away from you, opening up some space between you and the chair, in case you'll need to grab it. Then you realise the banging has stopped. "Ok, maybe they're gone. I'll breathe, count to ten and then have my sou-" You hear a loud bang on the door, the loudest sound you've heard in years. And another one. A small photo on the wall near the wall drops to the ground. "What the fuck?!", you think. You get up, reaching towards the top of the spare chair. Just at that moment, the door smashes open. "Police! Hands up!" But it's too late, you've already launched the chair towards them. And what's more, much harder than any human's ever thrown a chair. The first officer never got a chance to pull his trigger, but even if he had, the chair would have reached him long before the bullet even left the gun. His gun drops to the ground, his lifeless arms still clutching onto it. His legs have no rigity, yet they're seemingly still holding his body up. "Bleh!" the second officer splurts out. He's holding up his dead colleague's body - no, the chair has gone through the body and is now pinned into the second officer's chest. He falls to the floor, both bodies - one breathing and one not - in a heap on the floor. "Shit", you think - you had been shocked by it being the police and some local hoodlums, but now you're more shocked by how hard you accidentally threw the chair, and the fact that you just killed for the first time. You only had a second to see the lifeless eyes of your victim, but it felt like an eternity - more than long enough for you to realise you're not cut out to be a ruthless killer. *Bang bang bang bang bang* the remaining three officers start firing shots from their assault rifles, cutting short your time to process the gravity of the situation. These are well-trained firearms officers - every shot penetrated your body. You feel a pain deep within your body, in places you never imagined had nerve endings. Two of the officers keep firing, while the other reloads. Even in your dissociative haze, you can see this. You open your mouth to shout, but more bullets hit you, knocking the wind out of you as you stagger back one step. The bullets aren't strong enough to go through your bones, but the force is enough to knock you around - and to start to make a mess of your guts. There's no chance to talk - these people are going to kill you, unless you can escape or kill them first. "The window", you think. "I can go through there without killing them". You run towards the window, bullets still flying past and through your body, purple blood soaking your trousers. But when you're barely halfway to the window, something you never imagined possible happens - an officer jumps through the window, gun in hand, firing bullets towards your head almost immediately. You move your arms up to block and brace yourself for another barrage of bullets. But only two come, before you hear a thud on the ground. You look through your arms and see his lifeless body on the floor, a single bullet hole in his head - one of the bullets has richocheted off your elbow and bounced back towards him. You feel burning despair, and you feel even hotter, scorching rage. Rage at the hopelessness of your situation, rage at the death of your plans to live a moral life. "Ahhhhh!" you shout. "Fuck you!" The entire room rumbles and shakes. You smash through the wall next to the window - you make your own windows from now on. This world doesn't make sense any more, so you're creating your own rules. Outside are two more squadrons of police officers, who have just arrived. They immediately point their guns towards you, but you jump towards the left squadron. In one fell swoop, you chop through all of their bodies, killing them - and with it their fears, thoughts and dreams - all within one second. You pick up two of the officers and launch them towards the other squadron, who have taken an uncharacteristically long time to begin shooting - they're in shock and terror at what they've just seen. One of them, the captain, opens the car door to climb inside, planning to save his crew - but it's futile. The first body smashes through an officer. The second body slams into the ground next to the officers, causing the road itself to break into pieces, underground gas and water pipes firing high-pressure jets of their respective substances towards the officers, impaling them, while sending their bodies and the police car flying into the air. In the chaos, one of the guns is triggered, firing a single bullet towards your head. Then you die, the gas explodes and the entire Earth explodes, killing everyone you've ever known or could've known, except a small band of survivors who open a museum about the genocider of humankind - some green cucumber-looking freak from Namek.