THE NUGGET BRIDGE.
THE FUCKING NUGGET BRIDGE.
I WALK BACK INTO MALIE GARDEN AFTER BEATING GUZMA, AND I SEE THEM STANDING THERE. OH, I RECOGNIZE THE TRICK. "HA HA, THAT'S CUTE," I THINK. "GOOD TIMES IN KANTO. OKAY GUYS, LET'S DO IT." AND THEN THE FIRST TRAINER BRINGS OUT A ~ ~ ~ FUCKING LV29 CATERPIE??? ~ ~ ~
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. A LV29 CATERPIE. A LV30 WEEDLE. A LV27 PIDGEY. A LV28 NIDORAN-F. WHAT THE FUCK. I'M GIVING MYSELF WHIPLASH JUST RESPONDING TO THIS WITH THE SIDE-EYE IT DESERVES. WHY IS THE GAME WASTING MY TIME LIKE THIS? I JUST STOMPED GUZMA'S GOLISOPOD INTO THE DUST AFTER HE MURDERED MY DEAR, SWEET, BEAUTIFUL MUDSDALE. AND IT'S A NUZLOCKE SO THAT MUDSDALE AIN'T NEVER COMING BACK. I TRASHED GUZMA'S GOLISOPOD AND YOU COME AT ME AFTERWARD WITH A FUCKING LV27 EKANS???
NO, SERIOUSLY. NO COME ON. WHO IS THIS FOR? THE LONG-TIME PLAYERS ARE STUCK WASTING TEN MINUTES MASHING "A" WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST CONCEIVABLE CHALLENGE, AND THE NEWER PLAYERS WHO MAY NOT BE FAMILIAR WITH KANTO ARE JUST GOING TO BE CONFUSED ABOUT WHY THE GAME IS THROWING WILDLY OVERLEVELLED PIECE OF SHIT FIRST-STAGE POKEMON AT THEM.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO EASY. YOU COULD PUT THE SAME TRAINERS THERE, SAME POKEMON, WHATEVER YOU WANT, JUST EVOLVE THE FUCKERS APPROPRIATELY. INSTEAD OF AN EKANS AND A ZUBAT AT THE END, MAKE THEM AN ARBOK AND A GOLBAT/CROBAT. THEN THE NUGGET BRIDGE COULD HAVE BEEN A LEGITIMATE CHALLENGE, OR AT LEAST NOT JUST SUCH AN EMBARRASSING WASTE OF TIME, AND THE OLDER PLAYERS WOULD RECOGNIZE THE THROWBACK AND GET THEIR DOSE OF NOSTALGIA ENDORPHINS WITHOUT CONFUSING THE NEWER PLAYERS OR BREAKING ANYONE'S IMMERSION.
BUT NO. WHEN GAME FREAK GOES FOR NOSTALGIA ENDORPHINS, NOTHING WILL SUFFICE BUT ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ THE ABSOLUTE PUREST SHIT IN ALBUQUERQUE. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ IT'S THE SAME REASON THEY DIDN'T EVEN JUST RESTRICT ALOLAN FORMS TO GEN I POKEMON, THEY RESTRICTED ALOLAN FORMS TO GEN I POKEMON WITH NO EVOLUTIONARY RELATIVES IN LATER GENS. (BESIDES RAICHU, BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY WEREN'T GONNA PASS OVER THE PIKACHU FAMILY FOR AN ALOLAN FORM.) ONIX? NOPE. TANGELA? NAH. LICKITUNG? WE JUST CAN'T. ODDISH EVEN THOUGH ONE OF ITS EVOLUTIONS IS A FUCKING HULA DANCER???????? NO, NO, BUT YOU SEE, THAT'S NOT FROM GEN I...
ON NUGGET BRIDGE, GAME FREAK ACHIEVED PEAK GENWUNNER.
THEY AIMED FOR, AND RECEIVED, NOTHING BUT TEN MINUTES OF DULL, INTERMITTENT CHORTLES FROM THE KIND OF POKEMON FAN SO SLAVISHLY WOBBLY FOR GEN I THAT YOU CAN PUT THEM THROUGH ANY KIND OF MENIAL INGAME TASK AS LONG AS THEY ! ! ! GET THE REFERENCE! ! ! ! FOR EVERYONE ELSE, ANYONE NEW OR WITH ANY ACTUAL CRITICAL FACULTIES INSIDE THEIR SKULLS, GAME FREAK HANDED US A TEDIOUS, DEMEANING SLOG. HAPPY 20TH ANNIVERSARY YOU GODDAMN STUPID FUCKING FRANCHISE THAT I LOVE SO MUCH
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